Before reading the text bellow make sure to turn the music on first. This is supposed to be a musical post in a way. I’m listening to the song as I write this as well and letting the music move my keystrokes. Ready? Then press play.
Several days ago a certain phrase was cornering my thoughts to put this sentence into writing. I was disobedient but now I have come to my senses. Who knows maybe there is a reward for that? “I have a sea of thoughts and the waves are crashing.” Just like that I played this sentence in my head first for a second, then for a minute, and somehow it ended up being around for days now. Until now it was only an impregnated sentence, yet today I have given it birth. Finally out of mind into our sight. The days are lingering on, some better than others with less unpleasant thoughts and consequential actions. Some are difficult to get through but somehow they pass too and then a new day is born, a clean slate of sorts; although, the aftertaste of a previous day is still somehow felt in every breath of the new one. It happened twice now. I knew, I somehow knew, that it was bound to happen again since the first time this happened. I knew that sooner or later, was hoping that later of course. Notice I don’t say never again, because somehow it is not that difficult to lie to yourself once you know the truth, to others much easier- you can always pretend). There is that intuition, or a common sense some might say, that when something is not addressed to the fullest (that sounds a bit shallow actually), I’d rather say that when the soul is fragile it is bound to make it self heard again maybe even a bit without you realizing it is about to do it – maybe even because you don’t really control your soul and merely coexist with it instead.
By the way if the song stopped already then do hit replay, this is a musical post you are reading after all. For me the song is on replay as I write along, was hoping it will be experienced similarly to those who read it too. A bit odd right ? Sometimes, though this is how I experience life with certain music in my mind. It is not always with an actual sound but I feel as if it was possible there would have been one, like the one playing now I guess…something similar depending on the situation. Sometimes I am touched during a movie, or I should say a film reaches me because of the music and the sounds I hear in it. Something like that.
Friday was amazing. I really haven’t felt that alive and happy in days, weeks, months. Especially with that consistency I think that was by far the most endearing part of the day. The consistency to push and take in and the reward was blissful. As if my soul was saying thank you, “thank you for doing this for me” and in return I was saying “thank you to things far above me which brought about the event of the day and the feelings of it.” I had a desire to work with disabled individuals and I finally had my chance. Sometimes things happen just by chance, an email and phone call from a best friend saying “hey could you take this job for me, I can’t do it due to other plans?” And then you look at the opportunity and it grabs you somehow stronger than the despair that has been vacating your mind and soul and sort of push to accept the offer. It wasn’t easy to do because it required work and pushing along that “not going to give up, even though I want to attitude”. In the end I agreed and so did the universe to land me there at the final destination. On working and being in the presence of disabled… There is completely different experience of life when you do that actually, I’d rather not write about it but say that everyone should make an effort to do such work at some point. Or even just volunteer, it’s completely different from a mundane life I have led till this day. It’s not about pity either, for everyone is human and we have numerous deficiencies and differences of which we know on daily basis. For some they just happen to be physical and easier to notice, while for others they can be masqueraded by the perfect façade of “normalcy”. Perhaps for mine I should seek more of these kind of experiences, perhaps that is my therapeutic treatment. The problem is that nothing really has that consistency and at some point you come down or see that the path is still bumpy and you have to navigate yourself again with cautiousness of sort to not fall into the crack of that dark thinking. Dodge those bullets, surf the waves because the sea is never still…sometimes it just appears wave less.
As I said I was still fine, but the new day came and the aftertaste of the previous day has just begun to drift away from my pallet. A message later I still wait. Oh darn those shots perhaps they were the aftertaste of the Friday night after all.
In any case, by now you have come too tired of the song and it was not even about the lyrics. It’s just that my thoughts are still like that sea and waves are ever so slightly crashing….
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